Final Fantasy Bachelor Auction
by Videogame Fangirl
Summary: I was bored and got to thinking... What would it be like if the Final Fantasy characters were involved in a bachelor auction? Put me, the hyper active fangirl in this, and you've got madness! Read and review, please! Rated T for language.


**Videogamefangirl – YA-HOO! I can say that just like Black Star now!**

**AznHalfBreed – Um, what? Never mind. What are you doing now, Maka?**

**Videogamefangirl – JUST A COMEDY STORY!**

**AznHalfBreed – Can't you just let those die, already…? Are you SO obsessed with this that you have to write comedy stories in your free time?**

**Videogamefangirl – Well, yes. Got a problem with it? Huh, huh? *starts to advance with a VERY sharp death scythe***

**AznHalfBreed – N-no! I don't! Jeez, woman, don't come any closer! Just write the story!**

**Videogamefangirl – *mood switches* OKAY!**

"Okay, folks, it's time for the… Final Fantasy Boy… AUCTION!" The girls cheered, jumping up and down for no particular reason except out of pure delight at the auction that was about to take place. What a glorious auction. I grinned slowly, I was NOT going to go home empty handed. With an evil, maniacal grin on my face that scared all the little kids ten miles away, I proceeded to jump up and down with them as well. Those stupid girls didn't stand a chance against me, the ULTIMATE fangirl. Oh, right, I neglected to introduce myself. My name is… well, I have a lot of names. But my nickname is Nana the iceclimber, so I guess you could call me that. So, why on earth would I insert myself in this story? To that, I do not know the answer. Finally, the thunderous claps stopped and the announcer displayed themselves, or himself, up on the podium.

"I'm Cait Sith so either worship me or die!" There was an awkward pause because everyone knows that this was terribly OOC. Apparently, he thought so too as he cleared his throat and shook his head. "Ahem, I meant, welcome to the auction! Now, to start things off, I must give some ground rules." Immediately, the girls started groaning. I mean, I did too. Can't we have a stupid auction with incredibly hot men without ground rules? What was he going to say? Sorry no glomp fests? AS IF!

"There are no glomp fests allowed," What the hell, did he read my mind?! "And please, keep all language PG rated." It was right about now I was wondering if this guy was a #%^&*… Oh goddess, now that he had made this PG, I couldn't spell out my CURSES?! Who's writing this messed up story?! Oh, wait, I am. *sigh* I blinked and tried my hardest not to pout. This was disappointing. Apparently, the FF girls thought the same thing as they protested. Cait Sith held the mic in front of him defensively and gulped.

"Now, ladies… Calm down… First, to get things really rolling, we've got… CLOUD!" At this, the girls went completely wild, oh goddess, perhaps I shouldn't have come here… This was freaking me out on a major level. I was starting to believe perhaps I WAS sane and perhaps I should leave now… But when I saw Cloud walk out, that thought left my head. Why would I leave and not see all these HOT guys?! Hello?! I smiled and Aerith shot up like an arrow, her voice loud and clear.

"I bet 500 gil!" She yelled at the top of her voice. Cloud recoiled on stage as if Aerith was his worst nightmare. He backed up and nervously cleared his throat as Yuffie and Tifa immediately riled up and started to fire out their bets as well. I didn't want to participate; I was scared for my life.

"No way am I letting that slut beat me! 1000 gil!" Tifa screamed. My mouth dropped open. How come MY curse had been censored but that word hadn't?! Was this author discrimination?! Yuffie blinked rather stupidly and then smiled mischievously. Sometimes it would pay for her to be called stupid, I was guessing, for her bet most certainly was.

"100 gil!" She said. Aerith and Tifa glared and attempted to raise the bet again. Tifa began first.

"I bet 1000 gilda!" She yelled. It wasn't that much and Aerith was quick to point it out. With a smirk, she came forward and began in a sickly sweet voice.

"That's nothing! 5000 gilda!" Yuffie looked at a loss for words at this raised bid but suddenly, a look of inspiration came across her face. With a sassy and very sneaky look, she crossed in front of the other two.

"250 gilda!" Cait Sith being Cait Sith, thought this was an adequate bid and accepted it. Once again, Tifa and Aerith tried to raise the bid but Yuffie kept on making it extremely low. This would go nowhere if she kept on doing this. Aerith got frustrated and stopped betting, looking round at Yuffie.

"You, make good bets! You make them _higher_, not lower." She yelled at the ninja. Yuffie simply gave her an extremely blank look and blinked twice.

"But everyone knows that the hundreds are more than the thousands!" Um, what? Aerith was just looking at Yuffie's lack of intelligence in horror and Tifa stood there, her jaw moving soundlessly. Aerith finally lost it and turned to the front, I watched her with rapt attention.

"Like, 10000 gil, BITCH!" She said really loudly. All the girls stopped talking and stared at her. Aerith, the innocent girl from FFVII, just ruined her lifelong innocent girl reputation with that simple line. Yuffie and Tifa glared at her full throttle and I scratched my nose. Heh. I loved scenes like this. Pretty soon, a battle would start. I reached into my nonexistent pocket and withdrew a video camera. Hey, you never know how handy these things will become. With a naughty grin, I started to record their fight, not paying attention to the small figure that bounced up and down in the crowd.

"20000 gil, nyah-han!" The voice, as I discovered its identity upon turning around, belonged to Relm, who was beaming wide-eyed up at Cait Sith. The demented cat thing blinked and turned his eyes upon the fight. He appeared to be a conflict with letting this idea go as Aerith, Tifa, and Yuffie were all fighting for the kill now.

"Oooooo-kay. Um, any other bidders?" He asked in a low voice. As the three main bidders were all fighting each other, Cait Sith saw no problem… yet. Cloud looked hopeful as he stared at Relm and gulped. "Going once, going twice… SOLD to the short blonde!" Relm was so happy with the prospect of Cloud that she failed to notice that she was called short.

"SWEET! You'll work great for my new poser; I've needed one for ages! Gramps doesn't count, he sucks as a poser." Cloud shrugged, not in opposition to this idea.

"Hey, if the runt wants me to, I will. Better than a night with… one of them." Cloud shuddered as he walked down the stage and Relm grabbed his arm, tugging him out of the auction room. The other two girls were still fighting and calling each other extremely obscene names which, I'm sorry to say, were not censored as they weren't the narrator. Stupid, god damn discrimination!

"WHORE!" Shouted a very angry Tifa as she grabbed some of Aerith's hair. Yuffie had long since given up fighting and was ogling the camera in my hand with wide, sneaky eyes. Aerith retaliated by bitch-slapping Tifa across the face.

"SKANK!" She yelled right back. Their language was getting so dirty that not even some soap would help it… I sighed and gave the ninja my camera as her eyes were starting to glow in a scary way. Yuffie grinned and started to record what I had been recording as Cait Sith cleared his throat and announced the next bachelor.

"Next up, we have… Vincent so give him a loud applause!" Cait Sith yelled to the audience. It was only at this point the fighting broke up between Tifa and Aerith, who both turned round to face the cat with murder in their eyes. They both took steps towards the podium and growled at the Cait Sith.

"WAIT! VINCENT?! What happened to CLOUD?!" Both of them yelped. Cait Sith scratched his nose tried to act as the two very angry females were not angry at him. I tried not to grin as Yuffie started to record this as well.

"Well, he was auctioned over to a short girl with blond hair moments ago. I am so sorry you missed it." He said without a hint of regret. Both Tifa and Aerith twitched horribly and the two of them allowed very ugly looks of scorn to cross their faces. I looked back and forth between the girls and the cat and thought that perhaps he should put on some armor as his life was in danger. Cait Sith, apparently, also thought his life was in danger for he grabbed Vincent's gun and held it aimed at the two girls.

"Let's keep this auction in a calm atmosphere, got it? I don't want to use this!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. Vincent glared at Cait Sith as if the thing had done him a great personal wrong and grabbed his gun back. I tried not to drool all over my goth Lolita clothes as I stared at him in all of his hot glory. Aerith and Tifa called a truce for the time and seemed united under the banner that they would strangle Cait Sith after this auction was over. Yuffie was just laughing like Patti from Soul Eater, that laugh might actually be contagious. I rolled my eyes and waved at Cait Sith so this auction could continue. He nervously gulped and continued.

"So, do we have any bidders?" He shouted. Yuffie apparently forgot her infatuation with Cloud and began to bid.

"OH MY GOD! He's a VAMPIRE! Ah-ha-ha! 1000 gil!" She shouted while doing a typical fangirl scream that scared everyone in the vicinity except me because I WAS a fangirl. Elena, who was all but a few seats away, saw her chance and her eyes alit with fire. Tseng, the poor guy, was looking at a loss for words as his one and only shot up. (He's on stage folks…)

"5000 gil! He's a vampire, he's hot, and oh my god, are those crimson eyes?!" She exclaimed at the top of her voice. I didn't really see a point on betting on him. I supported cannons and since Vincent and Yuffie were one, I really couldn't protest. Tseng fell to the ground and on his knees.

"ELENA, HOW COULD YOU?! I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE!" He screamed. Vincent recoiled and shuffled to the front of the stage. It was only at this moment he realized just how close he was to all the rapid fangirls and Vincent abandoned all emo pretense.

"HOLY MOTHER OF HEAVEN, CAIT SITH, THE FANGIRLS…!" He exclaimed with a horrified face. I couldn't blame him but I still didn't think it was imperative for anyone else to know who I was yet so I didn't help him. I just jumped up and down and started dancing as if I was just a regular Final Fantasy girl character. (WAIT, THEY DON'T ACT LIKE THIS!)

"Relax, alright, any other betters? And stop freaking out, you pansy!" He added as Vincent proceeded to shoot up the girls in the front row. The all fell down dead and I was suddenly glad that I was in the back row. Hehehe. Suckers.

"God f$%ing damn it, 30000 gil!" Everyone rounded on Yuffie, wondering where she had gotten all of that money from. It was only then that one nearby Porom checked her purse and realized that all of her gil were gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She sobbed as Rosa attempted to calm her down. I watched this duo before turning back to Cait Sith, who was looking at a women's magazine.

"Oh, what? Oh yeah, so, any other betters higher than Yuffie? Going once…. Going twice…" Elena started to swear about her lack of money and tears of joy were coming down Tseng's face. "SOLD, to the hyper ninja girl!" Yuffie jumped up and down and grabbed Vincent without so much as a warning… He was still twitching from his exposure to the fangirls.

"Fan…girls…rapid…. Ah, screw acting freaked out. Okay, let's go." He said, losing all cuteness and everything and going into stoic a-hole mode. He proceeded to drag Yuffie (wasn't it the other way around?) out of the auditorium.

"Damn, there goes one hot guy…" Elena continued to swear under her breath. If anything, this story was NOT PG when it came to language… ah well, oh cares? This is a fanfiction after all. Tseng rolled his eyes and stood up slowly as his theme song played and he walked to the center of the stage.

"Okay, next up, we have Tseng in all his hot glory!" The fangirls didn't go as wild for him as they did with Cloud but he got a pretty decent fangirl call. At least, I thought so. I cheered along with them, still waiting for my special guy to come on stage… I stick to the cannons so I couldn't bet on this one either…

"I'm Tseng, Elena's mine, so SCREW THIS AUCTION!" He said as he jumped off stage. Elena did not put up any protest, in fact, she seemed terribly overjoyed by the fact that he just broke the rules. Tseng strode over, grabbed her, and left the room. There was a ghastly silence in which Cait Sith glared at the door the couple had left through.

"Oh well, forget the PG rating on the language. You guys have cursed so much that I want to curse now too so the ban has been lifted! So now… Tseng, your mom is a—" Yeah, I'll just stop RIGHT THERE because even my mouth isn't that dirty. Porom's eyes started to glow as she realized that she was being exposed to bad words and Rydia had to smack her upside the head to make her stop listening. Cait Sith was finally done and due to a horrible case of OOC, he switched back to the happy, cheery, cat that he was.

"NEXT UP, we have—" Here, all words that he might've said were cut off as Sephiroth came to the front of the stage and spoke in a very evil voice.

"I am SEPHIROTH! WORSHIP ME! AHAHAHA!" Of course, fangirls being fangirls, started to cheer insanely loudly and began to bow down to the egotistical maniac. I, myself, was one of the few left standing apart from Aerith. Terra, who had not been paying attention at all, suddenly noticed that she was one of three girls that were standing.

"Wait… hang on a sec…" She said as she looked back and forth between Aerith and Sephiroth. "Aren't the two of you DEAD?!" She said with eyes wide and with a disbelieving tone. Aerith looked like comprehension just dawned on her but Sephiroth merely growled.

"IT'S A FANFICTION! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!" He screamed. "NOW BOW DOWN TO ME! AND YOU!" He said, rounding on me. "YOU BOW TOO!" Aerith had already hastened to do so with Terra so now I really was alone.

"Um, no. Dude, haven't you noticed how I'm the writer? You can't hurt me." I said with raised eyebrows. Sephiroth seemed to just realize the truth behind my words and backed up a small ways.

"Child, you are only spared today because you are the writer." With a smirk, I nodded to his words and took pen and paper in hand. At this point, all the girls rose up seeing as they were no longer in danger. They all sent me their thanks as Aerith jumped on to the stage and started to scream.

"BASTARD! I'm so going to KILL YOU!" She said while she tackled Sephiroth off of the stage. I wasn't really sure what was going on at this point as my eyes had been traveling down the row of bows yet to be auctioned off. So it was beyond me completely how Aerith and Sephroth disappeared from the stage. Tifa, wanting to watch them fight, had also snuck out of the auditorium… Was it just me, or did this fanfiction MAKE NO SENSE?! Aw, whatever. Cait Sith watched this with a blank look and a fly flew into his open mouth. Choking on it, he promptly fainted and out of nowhere, Mog ran up to the podium.

"Okay, kupo! I own you all, kupo! Yahoo, kupo!" Everyone suddenly noticed that Mog looked like a doll and it was only after a cactaur came on the stage that everyone turned to Lulu.

"Oh, sorry." She said as she scooped up her dolls and put them goddess knows where. She grinned and gestured for the auction to continue. At that very moment, Relm and Cloud came running back into the auditorium, running at full hilt.

"God damn t, you guys, move out of the freakin' way!" Cloud yelled as Relm latched on to his back and the two jumped on to the stage. Immediately, ten Cloud's came running into the room, all holding extremely dangerous weapons. Cloud looked at the small girl on his back and glared. "You just HAD to put the weapon in my portrait, you dumb-dumb." Relm hung her head and painted Pikachu. It came to life and started to attack the Cloud's, who ran out of the room followed by a ticked off Pokemon. Relm jumped off Cloud's back and ran to the podium.

"Okay, you losers, I'll start from here! Next up, we've got Zidane!" Zidane walked to the center as his theme song blared from the speakers and he bowed to all of the squealing girls.

"Sweet, tons and tons of REALLY hot girls… Hehehe…" Zaidane said with the familiar light of a pervert in his eyes that all girls are used to. They still didn't care but one in particular jumped up and landed on my head. Oh crap.

"ZIDANE, MY LOVE! 20000 gil!" She yelled. The voice belonged to one of my favorite characters, Eiko. But it was at that point that one magic rod (didn't see THAT coming) collided with her head, sending her sprawling. The rod belonged to (dun dun dunnnnnn) Garnet who glared at the wounded Eiko.

"50000 gil, he's MINE!" She yelled. Eiko had tears in her eyes and started to weep.

"WAAAAH! Garnet, how c-could you! I t-thought we were f-friends!" Garnet smiled evilly as Eiko continued to cry very loudly.

"Not when it comes to men." She said, stepping up to the stage to collect her prize. Zidane looked reasonably happy with this idea and Relm, who was busy imagining what Cloud would look like without his shirt on, didn't pay attention to anything. Zidane swept Garnet up in his arms and carried her off and out of the room. I cheered for the cannons and clapped my hands.

"SO CUTE!" Exclaimed Relm, who was eyeing Cloud in a very weird way. "Okay, next up is Arc, that pansy from Final Fantasy whatever cause' no one cares about him." She began painting again on her canvas as Arc stepped up and started to shuffle nervously.

"H-hi… My name is A-Arc… A-And I'm not a pansy…" He said with an adorable, innocent boy look. Refia knocked over all the competition and climbed up on the stage due to her eagerness. Well, if you think about it, Cait Sith hadn't banned breaking the rules. I laughed at her along with Terra and Celes as she hugged Arc.

"Well, hi, my name's Refia and you're mine!" She added to Arc, who blushed a deep crimson color and allowed himself to be taken away. Relm finished her doodle of Cloud in a swimsuit and didn't even care when Refia had not paid one gil for Arc. There was one guy left and my mood went up considerably. He was going to be mine, heh.

"Oh, she forgot to pay. Oops, was I supposed to watch for that? Oh well, who cares, this fanfiction sucks! LAST UP IS LUNNETH! He's girly looking and he's ALL YOURS STARTING AT 5000 gil!" She said, raising the price before anyone else did. Porom was wide-eyed and there was a blush upon her face. Oh goddess, I was going to have to fight for him. Quickly, I went around to all the girls who were in relationships and thanking them, I took all the gil that they had to offer me.

"I bet 10000 gil!" Porom said in her high squeaky voice. I refused to lose; I wanted a girly looking man tonight. Wait, that makes me sound like a pervert. I raised my hand and shouted my bid to my favorite FFVI character.

"30000 gil!" I said, raising it phenomenally. Porom glared at me and she stole Rydia's money while the summoner wasn't looking.

"60000 gil!" Rydia looked down at Porom who was holding her money bag and her own as well. Rydia glared and knew that she was going to be extremely broke for the next week. Sorry Rydia. Thanking the heavens I had all the earning from all my playthroughs of the game, I raised my hand with triumphance.

"100000 gil!" I sad, causing everyone to gasp. Even Relm stopped painting her inappropriate picture. She blinked and spoke in a loud voice while grabbing Cloud's arm to make him pose another way.

"WOW, that's high! Any other betters?" She said as she scanned the crowd. It was at this point Kuja burst into the room and smirked in a way only a transvestite can. I ALWAYS KNEW THIS GUY WAS GAY!

"1000000 gil, beat that, little children!" He said with a cocky laugh. I swore out loud. Lunneth winced and paled as he looked at Kuja. Time to save him, or, in other words, time to play thief. I threw a candy at Relm to keep her from closing the bid while I leaned over to Celes and whispered in her ear.

"Hey. Can you call Locke and have him steal all of Kuja's money so I can win this thing?" Celes, being a noble knight after all, agreed and whipped out her high tech means of communication. She called the treasure hunter, who burst through the doors minutes later. Relm was happily eating the candy I was throwing her so she had yet to pay attention. Locke swiped the money off Kuja faster than you can say, "I love all cannons." And threw me the money bag.

"1100000 gil!" I exclaimed. Relm had finished eating and nodded to my bet.

"Adequate, any other takers? Once," She said. Kuja's eyes had gone wide as he realized our little trick. He began to walk over towards me. "Twice…" Her voice echoed in the auditorium. Kuja was an arm's length away and was reaching towards my throat. C'mon, Relm! I looked franticly towards the podium. Lunneth couldn't save me unless I won him! "SOLD! Go to the fangirl, girly-man!" Relm called. Lunneth whipped a sword out of nowhere and knocked Kuja out the instant I was unable to breathe. Kuja fell and I watched this with a smirk. I turned to Lunneth and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Thanks!" I said. He nodded and hugged me back. I grinned widely and Relm had gone back to drawing some more. Cloud was now being forced into an outfit that looked a hell of a lot like Yuffie's… Wait one second…. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE?! I grabbed his hand and the two of left the auction, and the rapid fangirls, behind us. Hey, at least my ending was happy. This story made zero sense but I made sure I had my happy ending. Looking back at Lunneth, I grinned. Girly-looking men really were the best.

FIN

**Videogamefangirl – YA-HOO! All DONE!**

**AznHalfBreed - … WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT STORY ABOUT?! **

**Videogamefangirl – Um, I wanted to win Lunneth somehow and there seemed to be only one way to do it… So I wrote a story that made ZERO SENSE!**

**AznHalfBreed – You know what? This story… was so weird… that I'm so glad that you didn't mention Dissidia—**

**Videogamefangirl – Oh crap, Dissidia! Great fanfic idea, Masshuu! Hehehe….**

**AznHalfBreed – Why do I always give her crazy ideas…? Whatever… **

**Videogamefangirl – Read and review, onegai shimasu!**

**AznHalfBreed – If you don't, she'll go all fangirl on you.**

**Videogamefangirl - *eyes sparkle dangerously* **


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